Cinderella SGC Style!
by Sarah74656
Summary: A classic fairy tale with a Stargate twist... Now Complete!
1. The boring stuff

_Title_: Cinderella - SGC Style!  
_Author_: Sarah Butler  
_Status_: Complete  
_Category_: Attempted Humour. Sam/Jack in a fairytale kinda way.  
_Spoilers_: None really, just harmless ramble. A couple of characters mentioned from season four, but out of context.  
_Archive_: Heliopolis, Trek the Web, please put it on the SJA, and anyone else - do ask, I'm bound to say yes!  
_Season/Sequel info_: Set anywhere, it doesn't really matter, although previous knowledge of some of the characters involved would mean you got more of the attempted jokes.  
_Rating_: PG, for some of the language maybe, and that's going a bit over the top.  
_Content Warnings_: Nothing, except badly written parody without a plot.  
_Summary_: What? It's supposed to have a story line? Oops! Anyway, it's basically the classic fairytale of Cinderella... at least, until SG-1 got their hands on it... There's a couple of running gags in here that continue from my Sleeping Beauty attempt, but it's perfectly readable on its own too.  
_Disclaimer:_ I don't own any of this wonderful stuff. Unfortunately. I wish I did, but the lucky devils at ShowTime, Gecko and MGM have the pleasure, so I guess I'll just have to be content with doing what I do now, writing for fun. I don't get any money for it either. Sigh.  
_Author Comment_: Another parody of a fairy tale. Hopefully you'll enjoy it. Please, R&R if you like it! 


	2. Chapter 1

A long, long time ago-  
"Hey, I thought we went through this before?"  
Excuse me?  
"Not that long ago, not that far away - you know."  
Oh, right, of course. Hey! I'm the narrator - you're not supposed to be correcting me!  
"Sorry."  
Better. Ahem. As I was saying... Not so long ago in a kingdom not that far away, there lived a rich and kind old man called Jacob Carter.  
"Hi."  
Hello. Now Jacob's wife died not many years after they were married and poor Jacob was left with nothing to remember her by but an abnormally large amount of money and their new-born baby daughter, Sam.  
"Sniffle."  
Quite. Anyway though Jacob had loved his wife dearly he soon realised that not even with the abnormally large inheritance could he provide the mother that Sam needed. Reluctantly, he consented to marry Anise, a woman who had recently been widowed herself and left with two children of her own.  
"Widowed? Are you kidding? Everyone and his dog knows she murdered him!"  
That is purely conjecture. And besides, shouldn't you have thought of that before you married her? 

Anyway, a week after Sam's 10th birthday Jacob came down with a terrible and life-threatening illness.  
"I have a bad feeling about this."  
So you should. Two weeks later, he died.  
"Now that's just unfair!"  
Excuse me? You're dead, you can't complain.  
"Erk."  
Better. Now that Jacob was out of the way, Anise seized the opportunity to bring her tyrannical reign into the household. She forced poor Sam to do all the housework, and even insisted on calling her 'CinderSam' despite the fact that it didn't sound right at all.  
"It sounds fine! I am all powerful and I can say what sounds fine and what doesn't."  
Of course you can dear. Anyway, as well as oppressing poor Sam-  
"Ahem."  
OK then! As well as oppressing poor CinderSam, Anise spent all of poor dead Jacob's inherited fortune on her two children, Daniella and Teal'cella.  
"I am afraid that I must enquire as to why I have such a ridiculous name, narrator."  
It's not ridiculous! Ask Anise - she's a self-proclaimed expert on the subject!  
"Anise, is my name not ridiculous?"  
"Not at all, Teal'celaa! I think your name is divine, like all the names I give my children!"  
Face it Teal'cella, you were on to a loser from the start there with her naming you.  
"I agree."

So, back to the story. The evil Anise forced CinderSam to become a servant to her and her two children. She was made to do jobs such as cleaning, washing and cooking and she never got to have any fun.  
"You're not kidding."  
No, I'm not. Anyway, this went on for many years and the only thing that kept poor CinderSam going was the dream that one day she would meet Prince Charming and they'd ride off into the sunset together.  
"Prince Charming? Isn't that kind of a stupid name for a prince? I mean, people would ask him who he was and he'd say 'Charming' and they'd think 'well, isn't he a conceited little b-"  
Excuse me! This is a PG-rated story, thank you very much! No bad language about your fellow characters please!  
"Well I'm sorry, but they would."  
And haven't you learnt yet not to ask about character names? So she spent her days daydreaming about a prince who wasn't called 'Charming' but had a sensible name. Better?  
"Much."  
I'm so glad.


	3. Chapter 2

So, in the castle miles away but still in the same kingdom, just, (Jacob believe greatly in real estate in the most rural and inaccessible parts of the kingdom) King George was discussing with his aide Janet how terrible it was that his son, Jack, had yet to find a wife.  
"Aide Janet, it's terrible! Prince Jack still hasn't chosen a wife yet and time is getting on."  
"Yes, sir." '_and we all know you're getting on a bit, sir...'_  
"Hasn't he shown any signs of choosing someone?"  
"No, sir." '_apart from, of course, Laira, Kynthia, Sara, Freya...'_  
"The boy is hopeless! What am I to do?"  
"I don't know, sir." '_not that it would matter if I did, sir...'_  
Well this is useful. Perhaps you should arrange a way for him to meet Miss Right?  
"What a brilliant idea! I'm so glad that I thought of it. Isn't it a good idea, aide Janet?"  
"Yes, sir." '_so no surprise that it wasn't yours then, is it really, sir?'_  
So you wouldn't perhaps be thinking of holding a grand ball and inviting every single woman in the kingdom would you?  
"Why yes! However did you guess?"  
Gosh, no idea.

So King George, assisted by his verbose aide Janet started to plan the Ball. They sent out invitations to every house in the Kingdom, requesting the presence of every single woman to the Grand Royal Ball. This was going to be an extra special Ball - everyone could tell because it had capital letters and everything. Now of course an invitation arrived at the house of Anise and CinderSam. Now although fetching the mail was included in CinderSam's daily duties, it so happened that that particular day the evil Anise just happened to walk past the door when the mail was on the mat and saw the letters with the Royal seal. (Royals are also important enough for capital letters apparently.) So, because she is evil she found CinderSam's invitation and called her into the room, telling her that she had an invitation but couldn't go.  
"You can't go. So there."  
"But that's so unfair! I've got an invitation - why can't I go?"  
"Because I'm evil and I say so! Mwahahaha!"  
Right. So then the evil Anise ripped up poor CinderSam's invitation and went off to practise her evil laugh because she hadn't quite got it right yet, leaving poor CinderSam who ran to the cellars crying.  
"Boohoo."  
Come on, it's sadder that that.  
"Boohoohoo."  
Oh for cryin' out loud! You can't go to the Ball with capital letters, you've got an evil stepmother and at this rate you'll never meet Prince better-name-than-Charming!  
"Waaaaaah!"  
Much better.

So CinderSam was sitting in the cellar sobbing her little heart out when suddenly some poorly funded smoke-type special effects randomly and sporadically appeared around the fireplace. CinderSam coughed a bit and waved away the smoke. Standing in the fireplace was a short grey guy with big black eyes.  
"Greeting, CinderSam."  
"Who the heck are you, and what do you think you're doing in my cellar?"  
"I am your Fairy GodAsgaurd, Thorina."  
"My Fairy Godwhat?"  
"GodAsguard. We are a very intelligent race that has learnt over the years not to ask why we have such stupid names, else we shall suffer the wrath of the evil Anise and the narrator."  
Excuse me! I do not incur wrath. I merely suggest that my complete power over the story-line might be a good reason to stay sweet with me, else I decide to write you out of the story or some such.  
"Oh."  
Quite. You were saying?  
"Oh yes. Well, I'm your Fairy GodAsguard CinderSam, and you shall go to the Ball."  
Oh geeze.  
"Why have I got a Fairy GodAsguard anyway? I'm only a servant to my evil stepmother Anise!"  
"Do not despair, fair CinderSam, you are very important - why else do you think you have two capital letters in your name?"  
"Gosh, I do don't I? And the evil Anise has only one!"  
Give the girl a coconut. And don't say she's not smart enough to spot a plot device - she saw that one coming by page two she did.  
"So am I going to this Ball, or are you going to ramble on all night?"  
Well excuse me for breathing. Fairy GodAsgaurd Thorina (who has many capital letters in his name and is therefore extremely important) waved his magical doohickey and suddenly CinderSam was dressed in a beautiful dress. Then he grabbed a nearby spray-painted kiwi and turned it into a pretty coach with flashing lights on that incidentally looked quite a lot like a Goa'uld Death Glider (but don't mention that the Thorina).  
"Wow, sparkly!"  
"Indeed CinderSam. But do not forget to return before midnight because the store was all out of Duracell batteries and my doohickey will stop working about then and you will be returned to rags."  
Oooh... scary.

So CinderSam thanked her Fairy GodAsguard and went off to the Ball. When she arrived she saw the evil Anise with Daniella and Teal'cella in the crowd.  
"No, Anise, no! We don't even like dresses!"  
Oh dear, poor ugly siblings.  
"Ugly? Excuse me? Okay, so we're not exactly supermodels but don't you think 'ugly' is going a bit far?"  
Sorry, force of habit. Poor beautiful-yet-inappropriately-dressed siblings.  
"Much better, thank you."  
You're welcome. So anyway CinderSam had only been at the Ball a few minutes when in true clichéd fairytale style she happened to bump into Prince Jack up a corner where he had been hiding from his potential admirers (albeit unsuccessfully).  
"Dammit, now I need a new hiding place!"  
Maybe you shouldn't just dismiss her Jack - she's a complete stranger you've never met before; why not give it a go.  
"Well, if I must... Greetings! Welcome to the Ball and all that - you're having a wonderful time I hope?"  
"Oh yeah, wonderful. Hey, have you seen any princes round here not called 'Charming'?"  
"Well as you asked yes I have! I just happen to know of one."  
"Really? What's his name? And how many capital letters has it got, you know, because they are terribly importan-"  
Oh for cryin out loud! It's Prince Jack, 2 capitals and will you stop pussyfooting around - it's him! True love, meet true love - is it really that difficult?  
"Oh you just take the fun out of everything, don't you? How do you manage it?"  
I practice.

So anyway, they talked, they danced and before they knew it midnight came. Fancy that. Shouldn't you be going somewhere, CinderSam?  
"Oh yeah! I gotta go. Catch you around sometime!"  
"Wait, I don't even know your name!"  
"Oh, it's Cin-"  
Ah, ah, ah! That's not how it works and you know it. Now drop a shoe and run girl, it's almost the twelfth stroke of midnight!  
"Oh dear."  
Well you seem bothered.  
"Well if the doohickey is gonna stop working anyway, why should it matter where my crystal slipper is? Shouldn't it change back with the rest anyway?"  
Will you stop picking at the already abnormally large plot holes and start running?  
"You know, I'm going to report you to the RSPCSC."  
Which is what exactly, when it's at home?  
"The Royal Society for the Protection of Cruelty to Story Characters. It's a very respectable institution you know."  
I'm sure it is. And may I remind you that this story isn't over yet. There's plenty of ink left in my red pen you know.  
"Erm, yeah, of course. Sorry about that."  
That's fine. Running?  
"I'm running. Puffing and panting and everything."  
Good to hear. So CinderSam ran all the way home, and by the time she got there she was back to rags again, just like Fairy GodAsgaurd Thorina had said would happen.


	4. Chapter 3

Meanwhile, Prince Jack was left back at the Ball with CinderSam's slipper. However, she'd made such as impression on him that he decided he wanted to marry her and no one else and so he called aide Janet to him.  
"Send out declarations and stuff, aide Janet! I'm going to marry whose ever foot fits this glass slipper."  
"Isn't that a tad risky? I mean surely there are gonna be quite a few people with a size 5 foot, I mean that's a lot of wives..."  
"Will you just shut up and start looking"  
"Haven't you got any other clues"  
"Well, her name starts 'Cin-"  
"What?"  
"She was going to tell me the rest but the narrator butted in."  
That's right, blame the narrator! What can I help is if it's in the script?  
"You write the script!"  
Oh yeah, so I do. Thank you for bringing that to everyone's attention.  
"So, narrator, I don't suppose you could be a little more helpful. After all, I'm sure a highly intelligent and beautiful narrator like yourself would know something as simple as where this girl lives."  
Lucky for you I'm terribly shallow. Try the real estate under the name of 'Carter' on the edge of the kingdom. Big pointy towers and turrets and lots of flowers in the garden. You can't miss it.  
"Way to go aide Janet!"  
Yes Jack, thank you very much. Now shouldn't you two be running along?  
"Me? Gosh, no! That's why I have an aide, to do the running for me."  
Not in this fairytale mate. Oh, and take a mighty steed with you. You might need it for riding off into the sunset and such.  
"Ooh, classy."  
Quite. So, aide Janet and Prince Jack toddled off with a mighty steed and the crystal slipper to visit CinderSam's house the very next day. Unfortunately for them, however, the evil Anise had read the script and realised they were coming.  
"Mwahahaha! Forget CinderSam - this is my chance to get one of my two lovely children married to Prince Jack!"  
Oh, for crying out loud.  
"Daniella! Teal'cella! Put on your best gowns and hurry downstairs quickly - one of you might be able to marry Prince Jack!"  
"What? Are you kidding?"  
"I must enquire as to if you are in total seriousness, evil Anise."  
"Of course I am! One of you could marry Prince Jack!"  
"Right, that's it. I don't know about you Teal'c, but I draw the line at marrying Jack. Dresses I could cope with, the stupid names even, but I will not enter into marital relations with Jack O'Neill!"  
Calm down Dannyboy! There's no way your feet would fit in that crystal slipper anyway so don't panic.  
"Really? Oh well, that's not so bad then."  
I tell you what, you and Teal'c come sit front row with me. It's a great view from here.  
"Thanks."  
No problem.  
"Wow, it is a good view!"  
That it is. So evil Anise, what are you gonna do now?  
"Mwhahaha! If my two not-so-lovely-anymore children don't want to marry Prince Jack then I shall have him for myself!"  
Hmm, guess I should have seen that one coming, huh?  
"Indeed, narrator. Even more so as you currently possess the script."  
No-one likes a know-it-all Teal'c. Anyway, here's Prince Jack with aide Janet!  
"Hello? Anyone home? Royal bunch of people with capital letters and all that!"  
"CinderSam, get the door."  
"Yes, evil Anise."  
Well that's a smart idea. I know what's coming next.  
"Hey, it's you, from the Ball!"  
"And it's you, from the Ball!"  
Should have put money on that.  
"But wait, Prince Jack! Are you sure to wasn't me you met?"  
I'm afraid that fluttering your eyelashes won't help evil Anise, he seems pretty smitten with CinderSam.  
"What about if I put on an outfit that hides nothing and leaves nothing to the imagination with a cleavage down here..."  
Ooh, déjà vu. Sorry evil Anise. You've been rejected again!  
"Arrgghhhhh!"  
Quite. And so with that the evil Anise ran away and never returned. CinderSam married Prince Jack and changed her name back to Samantha but only ever answered to Sam. Teal'c, Daniel and Thor are currently in therapy over their names and the fact that they had to wear dresses but are on the men. As for me, I think I'm just gonna go have a lie down... 


End file.
